Monday, February 28, 2011

Cranky Pants

Today is February 28th.

My job ends in 3 days. I don't know where we are going to move. I don't know how long we will be able to stay here. I don't know how we are going to pay rent. I don't know how we are going to pay off the van and reduce bills and save money before Steve goes to school. I don't know if I'm going to need or be able to find a job. I don't know if I should concentrate my efforts on subsidized housing, apartment managing, vacant home care, renting a FSBO home, or what.

I don't know.

I don't know!


And you know what? I'm gettin' a little cranky.

I'm annoyed that my boss will chat with the other manager about day-to-day business on the same phone call that we were fired in, then take 4 days to answer my response to her "I'm not going to call you back, but you can email me your questions" email. I'm ticked that even though I asked a few months ago to be kept abreast of any potential changes, I was given 14 days to tie up loose ends at work, pack my house, find a new home and move. I'm peeved that I'm not given the personal respect and professional courtesy that I deserve, and that everyone around here recognizes that EXCEPT MY BOSS!!! I'm irritated that after 7 years, we aren't as close to financially stable as we should be, and as I want us to be.

You remember that peace that I was blessed with a month ago? A week ago? It's being slowly but surely replaced by nerves and fear. I'm going backward. My peace and joy and smiles are giving way to apathy, snarkiness and snapping at the people I love. It's pushing 'kiss mine.'

And it sucks.


Yep. That'd help.

Thursday, February 17, 2011


I have 2 weeks.

I knew it was coming, but it totally stinks that after 7 years, they give me 2 weeks. Thanks a lot.

So after I prayed for direction and guidance and forgiveness because I'm angry, I had the thought, "I need to read my scriptures." Fortunately, Lee's cleaning his room (translate: he & Cora are playing upstairs) so I had a couple of quiet minutes. I opened my scriptures to anywhere, and read 1 Timothy 2. It was all pretty much unrelated to what I need right now, until I came across verse 8:

"I will, therefore that men pray every where, lifting up holy hands (cross-referenced to Psalms 24:4 talking about clean hands and a pure heart), without wrath and doubting."

God's message to me today: Keep praying, let go of the anger and frustration and hurt, do what you know is right, don't doubt, and I'll provide.


Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Love & Laughs...

...Or Creativity & Craziness

So the other day I was searching for something among my archived emails and found a copy of an i.m. conversation that I had with my sister a couple of years ago. (She & I get a little bit silly sometimes. A little.) It brought a smile to my heart, so even though it's a bit belated for Valentine's Day, I hope it brings a little smile to yours, too.

And maybe even some wonderings about my oddities.


d: Today's learning moment: Don't try to make a triple batch of Grandpa Cookies in one bowl...even it's a really big one.
L: your cookies overfloweth?
d: yea, my bowls do overflow and my kitchen is abundant with dirty mixing bowls.
L: yea, and my sister said unto me LOOK! and I looked and beheld a mighty mountain of cookie dough. And behold it was my desire to partake thereof. For I beheld that it was good.
d: Yea, and as they did partake of the goodness of the cookie dough, the sons of the household did lick the beaters even until they were clean, and the flour powder did settle upon them like unto snow.
L: And the daughter, upon returning to her home, finding much abundance of cookies, did cry forth with a loud voice, unto the declaring of the desires of her heart. For lo, she did desire a cookie. And she did ask for milk, as it goeth with cookies, much like our forefathers of old did find land flowing with milk and honey.
d: But the childrens' mother did deny them. For she was a mean mother.
d: And she said unto them, "The cookies are for Valentine's Day, which is two days hence. Look, and behold, there are cookies for your class, and they number three dozen."
L: and behold, there was much weeping and wailing on behalf of the uneaten cookies. For lo, they seeketh to partake.
d: And the mother sent forth an invitation: "Come, sit, frost these the rest of the cookies with us. For thy brother is ready--armed with sprinkles and candies and all manner of instruments of cookie decorating. But we must hurry, for the youngest of thy brothers doth nap, and it is the desire of my heart to finish before he awakes."
d: "But take comfort, for after we do set aside cookies for thy class, and for thy brother's class, and for our many friends--yea, after we do give cookies unto everyone else, there will be leftovers. And ye may partake. For thus I planned it."
L: And they did with haste put frosting upon the cookies and sprinkle them, and put all manner of tasty trinkets on them that they may be a joy unto those who partake. And verily verily they did frost for the space of many minutes and did do all that was good to the cookies.
d: And their fingers were sticky and they did lick them off.
d: And their mother did remind them time and time again to wipe their fingers upon a wet cloth for the cookies were to be given away and their tongues were laden with much germs.
d: But they, being a forgetful generation, did go forth and lick their fingers.
L: And when their father did return to their dwelling, he beheld the cookies of such curious craftsmanship. And he did put forth his hand to partake. And lo and behold, my sister did send a cursing upon him who doth partake too soon, lest he put forth his hand and dwindle the number set for for his childrens' classes. But verily my sister did repent of her chastizing and did offer him thus a cookie from those which had been set aside for his partaking. And he did partake and it was good.
d: Yea, and their father said unto his wife, "See the abundance of the cookies. Yea, there is such an abundance that one will not be missed by the classmates of the children."
d: And his wife did sigh and give him one of the broken cookies.
L: Behold, canst thou not hear the voice of one crying in the classroom? That lonely mortal who consumeth not a cookie?
d: But the mother, with all the concern of her heart, did take from the plate of the father and did give to the lonely child with no cookie. And it was good.
d: And thus is the account of the twelfth day of the second month of the two thousand eighth day since the coming of our Lord. And the household was blessed with much sweetness in preparation of the day to celebrate love.

And these cookies taste waaaaaaaay better than they even look. So yummy!

Thursday, February 3, 2011


March 1st marks my 7-year anniversary as resident apartment manager at my current job.

When I started this job, I had zero experience. My Property Manager--we'll call her Tanya--liked that because she could train me her way. Even at the very beginning I'd ask a question and Tanya would answer something like, "Do what you think is best." Over the years she trusted me even more, I learned to trust myself, and we developed a friendship. When she walked in the door for our weekly meetings, she would turn to toddler-Alex and exclaim, "There's my boyfriend!!!!" She was too busy to eat sometimes, so I'd make an extra sandwich at lunchtime and have it ready when she got here. When Lee was born she gave me plenty of time to get back into my groove, and cooed and coddled him like he was her own. She taught me how to be a fabulous manager, put me up on a pedestal, assigned me to train 3 other managers, and asked my husband for permission to clone me.

Tanya was the best boss in the world.

But I've been demoted.

Now I'm the thorn in her side. When I was bumped from my pedestal, I didn't mind. (My pedestal replacement is a friend, supermom, and someone that I absolutely idolize--she's fabulous.) I understand that when the housing market tanked and I suddenly had 8(!!!) apartments to rent Tanya was put under a lot of pressure by the owner. I understand that the cost of gas changed our weekly meetings to bi-weekly, then monthly, then electronic-only. I understand that her responsibilities have increased exponentially in just the last few years. I also understand that my personal responsibilities have increased just as exponentially, and that there are certain aspects of my job where I don't excel (vacuuming common areas weekly, walking the grounds picking up garbage and cigarette butts, checking competitors' rates monthly).

What I don't understand is how I've fallen so far from grace. I still do my best to keep my apartments full, I still collect rent on time, I still send her the weekly information she's requested, I still answer the phones--mostly, I still advertise vacancies, I still address tenant concerns and do my best to resolve them. And yet, a recent email from her stated that my actions were causing "...chaos and confusion."

"Can I clone you?" ------> "Chaos and confusion."

That's quite a fall.

I'm angry. And I'm hurt.

What do I get for my almost 364 weeks of trying to do what she taught me? Staffing changes without my knowledge (for security purposes I sort of need to know who's coming & going), procedural changes in the middle of doing my job, responsibilites quietly being removed from my plate without telling me, and other w.e.i.r.d. things happening right under my nose that are kept who's living 3 doors down from me. (I'm pretty sure I know, but can't figure out why it would be a big secret--he's already on the maintenance team.)

It's frustrating, it's maddening, it's ridiculous, it's a myriad of other things that ladylike fingers don't type.

But honestly, mostly I grieve for a lost friendship. My heart breaks that Tanya is so busy and overworked and focusing on the negatives that she's forgetting that I love her. My heart breaks for her because of the voids in her heart that she feels compelled to fill with work.

This hard thing has been a source of fervent--and sometimes angry--prayer. Prayer for Hubby to get into Spring quarter enrollment so I can get the &%$ out of here; prayer for my job to outlast his program start; prayer because I'm ticked off; prayer for peace for me and for her.

I prayed for peace and I received it. I am at peace. I have no idea what the next few weeks/months will hold. I have no idea where we will end up. I have no idea what the heck the future holds.

But He does. He knows, and I trust that--as always--Heavenly Father knows me, loves me and has what's best for me up His omnipotent sleeve. The faith-in-waiting game isn't an easy one to play, but I know that because He's in charge, it will be okay.

Whatever that is.