Day 1 7/18/13
I didn't yell at the kids today. Well, I raised my voice a couple times, but I didn't totally lose it like I have recently because I've been competing for the Craptastic Mom award.
I'm not sure why I didn't today. Maybe because Riah left this morning & I never went back to bed after our 4:30 wake up call (I spent the time cleaning) I was too tired to yell? Or maybe because I was pleased with my productivity? Or maybe it was just because it was just because my kitchen looked nice? Whatever it was, it helped. (Plus I took a nap later, Abby went to a friend's house, today wasn't a cleaning day & I didn't go upstairs to see the disaster zone that the kids' rooms have become.)
So Hubby's going to be gone for 2 weeks. He's doing some work on his dad's house, plus he'll be able to visit with his siblings while he's there. His sister & sil went, too, and his brother will join them in about a week. Fun times. Anyway, that is rather off-topic. My point in bringing this up is that for some reason, I feel more motivated to work on big projects when he's gone. It kinda' sounds stupid, but it kinda' doesn't. Why would he have to be gone for me to be better? Well, for one, I don't feel guilty about staying up late into the night sewing bibs (for an etsy business venture I'm starting) or blogging or cleaning or posting stuff to sell online or organizing the basement or or or...whatever because I'm not spending time with him. No guilt. Just productivity. Also maybe (and I'm just coming up with this theory on the fly here) because I know I'm a one-Mama show that I have no reason to sit down and feel entitled to a break because he's just in the other room and the children often forget that they have TWO parents to whine/cry/tattle/query/etc to. He's not in the other room. We won't be asking him when he gets home. I'm it, and it's all on my shoulders today. (Disclaimer: my husband is not a deadbeat barely-there gamer loser father. But when he's here I like to share. A lot. Or just do something by myself and let him hold down the fort. Like pee.) Yeah, it's a mental thing, but we already know that I am, too. Mental, that is.
So that's the part that kinda' makes sense. Now for the kinda' stupid part. Okay, REALLY stupid. I feel weird kneeling down to pray when he's there to see. See? Toldja it was stupid. I'm not embarrassed to pray in front of him, but it almost feels like,"Ooh, look at me! I'm praying! Look how righteous and wonderful I am!" Which I'm not. So I haven't actually really prayed for a long time. And that kinda' gets to the heart of my Craptasticness to begin with, doesn't it? But last night I did it. I for-reals knelt down by my bed and prayed. And I did it again this morning! It's a decent start, and I hope to keep the momentum going.
But I've also had the silly thought, "Wouldn't it be cool if for the 2 weeks he was gone I exercised like crazy every day and juiced and ate really healthy and dropped a pants size?" So I want to do better and be better when he's GONE? I'm a little messed up, I think.
But back to the Orange Rhino thing. I was not a good mom at the end of the night. Especially with a certain 4.5yo who has decided that obedience is passe. "Fold my laundry? Nah, I'll just go upstairs and play with my dolls. Put it away? How about I pull out & dump out all my dresser drawers and put the clothes in a fort that I made by tearing the room apart? Answer when you call my name? Pssht!" So I don't remember if I crossed the line from 'firm, raised voice' to 'angry yelling' last night. She definitely got at least one reminder on the behind. But here's what I decided: if the children are going to live to see adulthood, I need to be consistent with bedtime. Past around 8:30 I've had it and I need my time to be my time. And lately it's been 9:45 and I'm trying to wrangle her (and the rest of em) into bed, yelling all the way.
But that sucks.
So I've got my alarm set for 7:30 to remind me to start the bedtime routine. And I've decided that I need to go get her when I need her, and go with her to put her laundry away.
Yesterday I did okay. Today I'll do better.
I love Orange Rhino. She has changed my (and my kids') life. My advice on your challenge: start small. I used my calendar, and divided the day into four blocks of a few hours each. I'd color in every block I didn't yell, and gradually, my calendar began to be solid orange. I'm now two whole weeks away from the last time I yelled (with one slip after my previous two weeks of no yelling). I'm shooting for progress, not perfection. And it's happening!
ReplyDeleteAlso, choose a scripture or hymn or mantra you can say in your head EVERY TIME you want to yell. Memorize it. Repeat, repeat, repeat. It really does help.
I have faith in you--you can do it! (If I can do it, YOU can definitely do it!)