Heavenly Father has been giving me little hints lately about where I am and where I need to be. As usual, it's taken quite a few to get my attention. I really can be quite thick sometimes.
But He's reached me in a handful of different ways:
--my recent meh-pression self-diagnosis,
But He's reached me in a handful of different ways:
--my recent meh-pression self-diagnosis,
--the long-time feeling of being lukewarm, "So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth." --Revelation 3:16
--the almost achy longing I have for friends. Like friends friends. Someone calling me to ask if I can go play, then staying out until really way too late laughing until we cried. The hint came in the form of the realization that if I want to have a friend, I've got to BE a friend. And how many women around me are feeling the same way? Probly a lot.
--reading backwards in time through my own blog. Lately it's been all mopey and depressing, not to mention sporadic. It's pretty pathetic until I got fired, but before that it was different. It was witty, funny and chipper (not trying to toot my own horn here, but even my 12yo commented that it was funny). Even though I had 4 kids, (Riah's) inconsistent income, a gross house, a busy social life and INSANE work responsibilities, I was happy. I was happy enough to see the silver lining and blog about it instead of a bunch of blech. Reading my own words helped me see the difference between then and now.
--reading backwards in time through my own blog. Lately it's been all mopey and depressing, not to mention sporadic. It's pretty pathetic until I got fired, but before that it was different. It was witty, funny and chipper (not trying to toot my own horn here, but even my 12yo commented that it was funny). Even though I had 4 kids, (Riah's) inconsistent income, a gross house, a busy social life and INSANE work responsibilities, I was happy. I was happy enough to see the silver lining and blog about it instead of a bunch of blech. Reading my own words helped me see the difference between then and now.
--this. I saw it posted on facebook, and I read it. I left it open for days because I knew if I closed it out I'd never find it again. I read it again and again and again. It resounded because now that I'm much quieter, I can hear all the garbage that my children verbally throw at each other. But that's not what I want. What really struck me about this article was the photos. You can tell that every one of those big brothers ADORES that little sister. Words like 'dote' and 'love' and 'play' and 'fawn' and 'patient' and...so many good words that I could SEE all around them. And I would love Love LOVE for my children to adore one another.
I may or may not have read backwards the entries on that blog until almost 3:30 in the morning because I was so taken by this family. Yeah, the kids argue and annoy each other. It happens. But they also treasure their siblings in such a tangible way. I mean, how often does this happen? (Seriously. Read it. It is something else.) And the funny thing is that while I was reading and watching fun videos and looking at amazing photos, not once did I dejectedly think, "I want her life. pfft! Like that's ever gonna' happen." Instead--and this a big deal for me--I thought, "I love that. I would love that in my home. What can I do to make our family relationships more like theirs?" Usually it's just a mild coveting thing, then looking at what I've got and giving up before I even start. But not this time. I told Riah this morning about it when he called (btw, if you're ever tempted to lose your cell phone while out of town...don't. It's not all it's cracked up to be.) and he was surprised and impressed at the different attitude.
I love the focus that this mom has on happiness. And thinking about all that happiness made me realize something:
I'm not happy. I haven't been happy for a long time. My writing shows it, my marriage shows it, my children show it...even my waistline shows it!
And I want to be happy.
I want to be Happy.
I want my children to love being home.
I want to be twitterpated again.
I want to be funny, cheerful, outgoing, witty, silly--all those things I used to be, and still am somewhere.
I want to shine.
I want my home to be a place where people come and they can FEEL a difference.
I want my children's best friends to be each other.
I want to cherish the moments I have with my monkeys.
I want the wisdom to know when to cross off half of my to-do list and play with the kids.
I want to live to my potential.
And guess what? That's what the Lord wants, too. He wants me to be happy. He didn't suffer in Gethsemane and conquer death so I could trudge through life. He wants me to skip and dance and laugh, thoroughly enjoying the world and body He gave me. He made it possible for our families to stay together after this life not because we have to, but because we want to. And I want to.
I want to be Happy.
I may or may not have read backwards the entries on that blog until almost 3:30 in the morning because I was so taken by this family. Yeah, the kids argue and annoy each other. It happens. But they also treasure their siblings in such a tangible way. I mean, how often does this happen? (Seriously. Read it. It is something else.) And the funny thing is that while I was reading and watching fun videos and looking at amazing photos, not once did I dejectedly think, "I want her life. pfft! Like that's ever gonna' happen." Instead--and this a big deal for me--I thought, "I love that. I would love that in my home. What can I do to make our family relationships more like theirs?" Usually it's just a mild coveting thing, then looking at what I've got and giving up before I even start. But not this time. I told Riah this morning about it when he called (btw, if you're ever tempted to lose your cell phone while out of town...don't. It's not all it's cracked up to be.) and he was surprised and impressed at the different attitude.
I love the focus that this mom has on happiness. And thinking about all that happiness made me realize something:
I'm not happy. I haven't been happy for a long time. My writing shows it, my marriage shows it, my children show it...even my waistline shows it!
And I want to be happy.
I want to be Happy.
I want my children to love being home.
I want to be twitterpated again.
I want to be funny, cheerful, outgoing, witty, silly--all those things I used to be, and still am somewhere.
I want to shine.
I want my home to be a place where people come and they can FEEL a difference.
I want my children's best friends to be each other.
I want to cherish the moments I have with my monkeys.
I want the wisdom to know when to cross off half of my to-do list and play with the kids.
I want to live to my potential.
And guess what? That's what the Lord wants, too. He wants me to be happy. He didn't suffer in Gethsemane and conquer death so I could trudge through life. He wants me to skip and dance and laugh, thoroughly enjoying the world and body He gave me. He made it possible for our families to stay together after this life not because we have to, but because we want to. And I want to.
I want to be Happy.
Not that I'm ignoring the rest of your post, but what you said about longing for friends really resonates. I don't think it's necessarily that we aren't being good friends; at this particular time in our lives, our bandwidth is so overwhelmed with the needs of our family, that we tend to be friends with those we see the most (usually at church) just because of the convenience factor. I think a lot of the loneliness/longing has to do with having wonderful established friendships that may have been born out of convenience but that blossomed--and then being removed geographically from said friends. I know you know what I'm talking about because that's how we started out. Anyway... I think we just have to work for it a little harder since now we're isolated. Which means, going to the trouble of creating new friendships (which I, too, have been working on) and also going out of the way to keep connecting with old friends.
ReplyDeleteSooo... when are we getting together? I could do with kids, without kids. You tell me when and where. BECAUSE I MISS YOU. :)
And P.S. You're still funny, witty, and hilarious. Remember the sidesplittingly fun time we had at the stake RS conference? I hadn't laughed that hard in a long, long time. Which brings me back to... when are we getting together?
ReplyDelete