Warning--this post is negative, painfully honest and kind of a downer. Read at your own risk. Just so's you know.
~~~~~~
Lord, grant me the patience to deal with my blessings.
Whenever I've seen it, I've thought of my children. They are huge blessings that also happen to require a huge amount of patience. Now, however, I'm seeing it from a different perspective.
Sometimes in life, the Lord sees fit to give us a blessing that feels more like a curse. I'm living that now. Without divulging the details that I would really like to vomit here on my computer screen, let's just say that I'm in a situation that could either lead to amazing growth or end very, very badly. It started as just a short-term thing. Manageable. But now it seems that it's going to be long-term. (By 'long-term,' I mean longer than I want--like tomorrow.)
When my husband suggested the possibility of short-term turning to the next 3-6 months, my first--and very honest--response was, "I really don't like how much sense this makes." And I've spent about the last week being just depressed. I cried for about 3 days whenever nobody could see me and filled in the rest of the moments being irritable and annoyed. I know in my head that my problems can only be solved by looking in the mirror and it will all turn out for the best and that I'll be a better person for it all. The Lord knows what he's doing and I won't be given more than I can take and I'm a wonderful, strong person who can handle things like this with grace and faith.
Blah blah blah. I'm tired of waiting and praying and working for ____________. (Enter any number of things I've waited and prayed and worked my butt off for but didn't get.) I want it now. So to be seemingly on the edge of forward progress and to be blessed with this load of garbage is a bitter pill to swallow.
The optimistic and hopeful thoughts in my head haven't yet passed to my heart, however, and it would seem that the Lord is getting tired of my rotten attitude.
Sunday was an interesting day. All during church there were not-so-subtle moments where He very lovingly and patiently whacked me upside the noggin:
--Paul instructing the saints in Corinth to be unified and not divided. (1 Corinthians 1:10) *sigh*
--Mosiah 3:19--"For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father." Do I have to?
--And the piece de resistance: being put in a situation where there's no option to gracefully bow out of publicly extolling the virtues of the precise source of my irritation and annoyance. Really? Are you serious?
God's message to me: "Get off your high horse, knock off the attitude and deal with it."
I'll get there. I will. I'm just not done being mad yet.
(And another lovely reminder was a friend's blog post about waiting actively and faithfully on the Lord. PS--my troubles don't hold a candle to hers and her post is inspiring. Unlike mine. Which is pouty.)
Dyann (my dear, sweet friend), rest assured that you are not pouty or even riding precariously astride a vertically superior steed.
ReplyDeleteYou are normal.
And yes, your friend's post is amazingly inspirational, but reading between the lines and looking back at times where I've experienced my own pain, I'd say she probably struggled with a pout or two. That's just part of the human condition, or as Mosiah so eloquently put it, the "natural man". At the risk of drawing ire from you for quoting scripture (which apparently makes you a bit sensitive lately!) indulge me and flip forward with me a few chapters in the Book of Mosiah. In my own trials, I've found chapter 24 particularly instructive in how our Father chastens us--and lovingly shows us tender mercies at the same time. God didn't remove the burdens from the backs of Alma and his people, but He did "ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions."
So in other words, this may take a while to pass, but it will pass--and if you keep on asking for help, it won't seem so hard while you're waiting for it to pass.
Hang in there. You are tougher than you know. Life sucks sometimes, and often it takes far too long to stop sucking. But it does get better, and in the middle of the lowest valleys we receive miracles that make us marvel. He is right there, visiting you in the hour of your need.
I love you, sweetie. And I'm only a phone call away!
Well Dy, chicklegirl said it better than I could so I'll just 'ditto' to her.
ReplyDeleteSorry your life is messier than you want right now :(
I think every single commenter knows where you're coming from.
ReplyDeleteAnd likely, each one is praying for you too.
I am.
Love you.